Profil de acacia☜ ☞ Like dying in the su...PhotosBlogListesPlus  |  Outils Aide |
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☜ ☞ Like dying in the sun☜ ☞The Place Where the Nuts Hunt the Squirrels 20/02/2009 GDUFS Heritage Annother uneventful day at work. Linda motioned me to her desk and surprised me with a nice present she bought me in Australia. Then she told me that she met my friend Chris, another graduate from GDUFS, in Sydney. Wow! What a small world! Linda and Chris attended the same summer school program and to their surprise, they found that they had a mutual friend, who happened to be me. "I found that people who graduated from GDUFS seem to have something in common, but each one is unique in their own ways," Linda added. I was shocked. People have been telling me that all GDUFS graduates seem to have some similar qualities but each one is insane in their own ways. Does GDUFS possess a heritage that shaped us into what we have become today? Eight years ago, my life totally changed on my first day in GDUFS. I packed everything I could and went to GDUFS with my parents. My mother was sad because she could no longer protect her daughter under her wings; I was upset because I felt stranded on a campus out in the middle of nowhere where guys were like rare animals. There were only 8 guys out of 30 students. In my junior year, I went to the elite class, where there were only 3 guys. Because of the scarcity of male students, GDUFS has become a huge magnet for guys of polytechnic universities in town. They volunteered to come on weekends to fix our computers and other high-tech gadgets. Girls would be jealous if their boyfriends traveled across town to GDUFS. The logic is simple. GDUFS means girls. Rumors had it that many rich and powerful men sought to find their mistresses in GDUFS. Beauty may capture a man's heart, but a clever head can keep a man. I never found out whether the rumors were true or not. I just knew that every nice car in the parking lot would be used to GDUFS's disadvantage. Without many handy men in our faculty, girls had to do many things by ourselves. In preparation for Drama Night, we had to make furniture of the palace for our play Esther with our tiny little hands. The unique GDUFS culture turned us into feminists to a certain extent. In a patriarchal society, Chinese women already enjoy high social status. This is particularly so in GDUFS. We were the dominate power. We learned Shakespeare and we cried at the tragedy of Antigoni. But we were more practice-oriented. We worked with governmental departments and received distinguished guests in some diplomatic events. Each experience made us more confident and sophisticated. Our rivals from Sun Yat-sen University regarded us as shallow practitioners, but that didn't make us less proud of being a part of GDUFS. We were like daffodils, looking at our reflections on the lake and admiring our own greatness with no awareness of how it intimidates guys. A told me that she is in a hopeless relationship; C got her heart broken and is living on a organic farm somewhere in Latin America, trying to get over the past; W went on her third blind date, in a desperate search for love; Lydia got divorced just half a year after her wedding; G just had another lonely Moon Festival… Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder – What is the all controlling force of our destiny? X said to me the other day, "You are born to be lonely because you are too good for most guys your age." Was it a compliment? Or is it a curse? I smiled and didn't say anything. Perhaps, GDUFS has turned us into unique and independent women. We created a Utopia, a world where we mesmerize ourselves with our own ideals. We feel lonely and we are desperate to find the same kind. Last time I was in City Y, A and I went on a drinking spree, gulping down one glass of wine after another. She said she found herself in an endless pursuit for something that doesn't exist. I felt her pain. When I left, she gave me a hug, tears rolling in her eyes. I guess at that moment only another GDUFS graduate could understand what she was going through. 10/08/2007 An Awesome Band-- FlyleafFLYLEAF
Lacey Mosley – vocals
Sameer Bhattacharya – guitar Jared Hartmann – guitar Pat Seals – bass James Culpepper – drums Heavy music and pained lyrics go together like cake and ice cream, and Belton, Texas quintet, Flyleaf, aren't about to break with tradition. But while many loud rockers reopen old wounds by singing about their broken homes and broken hearts, Flyleaf confront past traumas to heal old scars and prove in the process that hope shines brighter than despair. "I used to be in a really negative band, and that seemed to almost fuel my emptiness because that's what the songs were about," says charismatic singer Lacey Mosley. "That's why I think what we're doing is important because there needs to be something heavy out there that has a positive message so people see that it's possible to get through the worst situations." Flyleaf's self-titled debut album echoes with songs about abuse, neglect, addiction and dysfunction, and messages about overcoming adversity. And the band's wide array of brooding beats, atmospheric textures and lunging riffs compliment Mosley's emotionally revealing lyrics, which range from breathy and beautiful to scathing and aggressive. "I'm So Sick," starts with a moody bass line throbbing over a haunting ethereal vocal before guitars crash in like a rock through a plate glass window. The track see-saws between rage and reflection, guitarists Sameer Bhattacharya and Jared Hartmann providing textural flourishes and atmospheric touches that bridge the emotional shifts. "Cassie" layers stop-start guitars atop an urgent backbeat and builds to an exultant chorus. "All Around You" augments a wall of power chords with evocative jazzy licks and "Fully Alive" is a cinematic number with angry muted riffs that segue into another glorious refrain. Flyleaf's infectiously heavy positivism is all the more surprising considering Mosley's struggles while growing up. "My mom was a young single mother of six," she explains. "We didn't have money and things were hard for all of us. We moved whenever we couldn't make ends meet in one place, and that happened pretty often so there was a lot of struggling, suffering and character building. "It's easy to get depressed when you're dealing with that kind of stress," she continues, "especially when it looks like things will never get better. There was nothing constant in my life, and nothing to believe in. I got into some really bad stuff that I thought would make me feel more loved, or maybe just numb, but it cost me everything that was important to me, and literally almost took my life." When you take a dive, sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can swim your way back to the top. For Mosley, writing songs about survival helped her reach the surface and breathe again. "I had to lose everything to look up and see that there is a truly constant hope of a happy ending and that's what we make music for,” she says. "If my music helps one person, than it's worth having been through what I've experienced." Five years ago, Mosley started playing music with drummer James Culpepper. The two joined up with Bhattacharya and Hartmann, who were in a local band that had just split up. "Our first practice together was awesome," Mosley says. "Sameer and Jared are really experimental with melodies and pedals, and we all had different influences that were all blending together with the same passionate and hopeful heart, and that brought out this beautiful feeling. It was magical.” Bassist Pat Seals joined in 2002. "The doors were open and I just happened to walk through at the right time," Seals says. Flyleaf played anywhere they could slowly but consistently increased their fan base with local bands and national acts like Riddlin Kids, Bowling for Soup, Fishbone, and Evanescence. Eventually they landed a show at Austin's legendary annual music convention South by Southwest in 2003. Although their set started at the un-rock n' roll time of 5 p.m., they rocked the house, which lead to a showcase for various labels. After many meetings and much deliberation, Flyleaf signed with Octone. Then in early 2005 the band's self-titled debut EP - produced by Rick Parasher (Pearl Jam, Blind Melon) and Brad Cook (Foo Fighters, Queens of The Stone Age) - was released and listeners got a taste of the band's poignant song craft through tracks like "Breathe Today", "Cassie" and "I'm Sorry" which also appear on Flyleaf's full length. To support the EP, Flyleaf toured with Saliva, Breaking Benjamin, 3 Doors Down, STAIND and Trust Company, though many of the audiences at these shows had no idea who Flyleaf were when they started playing, every night their spirited performances earned them new fans. To launch the LP, Flyleaf is touring with Cold, STAIND, POD and Taproot. "We think about where we started and where we are and realize, 'wow, we are playing in front of 1000 people tonight.' And then we just can't be thankful enough to those bands who gave us a chance to play with them, even though we are sort of nobodies." In spring 2005, Flyleaf recorded their full-length debut with acclaimed producer Howard Benson, who has previously worked with Papa Roach, My Chemical Romance, POD and All American Rejects. Flyleaf stayed in Los Angeles for two months and worked on more than 20 songs with Benson at Bay 7 Studios. Together they decided on 12 of them to arrange, fine tune and shape so they best reflected the group's powerful messages and experiences. "He really took an interest in what we had to say and helped put all the parts in the right places," Mosley says. "We were so used to recording with our friends and finishing whole EPs in a few hours. So it was great to spend 2 months with Howard having this surreal professional experience in every part of the process." Flyleaf originally called itself Passerby, but another artist trademarked the name before they had the chance. Ultimately the group decided to change its name to something far more befitting of their personal, confessional songs. "A flyleaf is the blank page at the front of a book," explains Mosley. "It's the dedication page, the place you write a message to someone you're giving a book to. And, that's kind of what our songs are -- personal messages that provide a few moments of clarity before the story begins." With their tight knit chemistry, compassionate approach and songs that haunt the mind hours after they've stopped playing, Flyleaf are turning heads and leaving crowds wanting more. Indeed, their story has just begun. 23/07/2007 Yet Another Story of Love (1)-- Work In ProgressThis is not a love story; it's a story of love.
--Acacia
I
"I want to understand- I want to know- how can I feel what I think is love towards someone that I honestly feel could impulsively shove a knife in my back one minute, even if he was sweeter than honey the minute before? --Gaby"
13/06/2007 Healing the Hurts We Don't DeserveI forgive you.
I forgive you for whatever you have done, whether intentional or unintentional,
from which I experienced pain.
Whether it is from something you did or something you said,
I forgive you,
Because I know what you did
came from your own pain. 20/03/2007 Message in A Bottle On Mar. 16, I got up and checked my emails as usual. Recently my Inbox has been flooded with emails from students. But this time, I got a spam email with a subject "Hello". Weird... 'cause Gmail has a powerful spam filter. "Is this another VIAGRA spam, saying that this drug is available without a doctor's prescription?" I thought to myself.
When I read the first few lines, I seriously went "OH MY!" in my head. It was from S's friend. S was shot...twice when he was boarding a boat they were going to inspect. For a moment, my mind was a wreck and I couldn't believe what I was reading. S and I haven't spoken for God knows how many days. There are many people who simply drifted out of my life. I just assume those who have hurt me are dead. But S? I would think he is somewhere out there living happily ever after with his princess. But he is on a breathing machine 24/7. For a moment, I couldn't think and my hands were too shaky to type...cos I thought something like that could have never happened. My brain needed oxygen to comprehend the whole thing... Barely able to talk, he wrote down that he wanted to tell me that he hadn't been around for a reason.
That must have been the most shocking email I have ever received. Now all I can think of is him on a breathing machine. My brain refuses to take in the fact that he was shot. Every day the first thing I do is to check my emails, hoping that his friend will keep me posted. I guess I miss the days when I had someone to tell me to buy what I need instead of what I want...Someone who is understanding enough to say "You took it out on me" when I am unreasonable. If I could send him a message in a bottle, I would write "Get well soon, my Teddy Bear." 16/02/2007 Sleeping Disorder It seemed to me I was walking on some unknown place which looked like a university campus with my little brother. We continued walking against the crowd of people when I noticed a familiar face. There he was... Green shirt, cargo pants and sandals, with towering height. I felt a weird cold sensation running down my spine. I began to run with my brother. That guy had an axe in his hand and started to chase me, yelling, calling me names and threatening to kill me. I was running like crazy. He grabbed me by the arm and somehow I managed to escape. I ran into a deep forest, acacia trees all around us, and found a hiding spot, praying that he would not hurt my brother. Yujie got scared too... I had to cover his mouth to keep him quiet. My hands got all shaky that I felt like they didn't belong to me anymore. I heard the sound he made when he was walking on the fallen leaves...
Did I die? I woke up and found myself in bed, sweating like a dog. I was that close to death. Same person, same life-threatening situation. Will there be an end to this suffering? 13/02/2007 Is Monogamy Against Human Nature? I hate this time of year... What's the point of anything? What the heck am I doing? Sometimes all I do is to sleep to forget my real life is pointless. Why the hell do I even bother? Steph said I was a moody metal rooster, and sadly he was right. There are numerous ways to cope with mood swings. What I do is to dive into a new routine- lunch, "Sex and the City", dinner, more "Sex and the City".
Carrie's sarcastic tone of narration of the mysterious men and women relationships makes us wonder- Is monogamy against human nature? Do we all have a nasty itch to indulge ourselves in our fleshly lust? With so many possibilities, do men and women ever want to be tied down to one right person? Do we want to commit at all? Can we still believe in love? Is love still out there?
I must admit that I grew cynical about love, but this popular TV show has touched me one way or another. I welled up at the sight of Carrie when she sat, crippled by emotion on the floor of her bathroom for three hours after her gorgeous fiance- Aiden left. Fear of commitment... Why was she afraid to commit? Aiden was such a great guy, tall, handsome, loving and caring. When he said "I can't believe I am back here again", I see a man who was hurting. Instead of waiting on Carrie to deal with her commitment phobia, he chose to move out before he does a disservice to himself again. Smart move. BUT- Is it as easy as it seems? We are all funny creatures; we enjoy misery subconsciously. We get hurt, crawl in our shells for self-preservation, then come out and brace ourselves up to get hurt again.
Most of us are easily touched by some cliche love stories. Why? Is it because we have seen too many failed relationships and marriages that we lost our faith? So we became too desperate to find something to stimulate our tear glands?
For Plato, love is essentially spiritual. It is said that men and women were originally two equal halves of a spherical superior being. For the sin they committed, God separated them, thus sending them forever searching for the other half. Thus the beginning of all dramas. I can't help but wonder- Is polygamy part of God's plan?
Why are we becoming less willing to show commitment? Is it not happiness to kiss your loved one goodbye when you leave for work? Is it not happiness to look your loved one in the eye and say "I love you"? Is it not happiness to say "Happy anniversary" to your loved one on the same day every year? Is it not happiness to snuggle up against your loved one when it is stormy out? Is it not happiness to come home to the special someone or wake up next to him/her? What happens after we are tied down to one person?
BUT-what do I know? I am sagittarius, who loves freedom and adventures. What do I know? I am afraid to commit too. I don't know. Men and women relationship is the perpetual myth that I will never be able to figure out.
In a society where shallowness is practised, let us embrace shallowness. I have met some guys who were intimidated by my education. Do I think too much? Or do I have to shut the f*** up? I will just have to shut down my mind... After all, what do I know? I am just a metal rooster who is too proud to see herself.
10/02/2007 一夜糜烂 鱼同学说请吃饭，于是相约一心亭，和PA YAN，正正经经地吃起日本料理，狠宰鱼同学一顿。饭后，说起ACACIA回来之后一直夜生活匮乏，鱼同学一声叹息，下定决心带何某去蒲吧，饭后转战RAVE PARTY。话说回来，跟鱼同学前尘了断之后，何某一直过着清心寡欲的生活，晚上通常读读小说，看看电影，聊聊天，一天就此打发。可以说是悲哀，也可以说是平静的回归。把过去的疯狂关在门后，俨然一副思想守旧的高校教师的形象。
八点多到了RAVE PARTY，仍是慢歌时间，据说朋友叙旧，最好挑八点多去，一杯啤酒或是威士忌，过去将来，没有灯红酒绿的迷离，如妖似魔的热舞。疯了，鱼同学叫了一瓶黑牌（Black Label）威士忌，兑着绿茶，whiskey on the rock，感觉小资地一杯又一杯下肚。坐在吧台前，一个外国友人闷闷着喝着VODKA，PA YAN说像BECKHAM，我只能不经意地侧着头欣赏，在上洗手间时默默擦肩。玩着大话骰子，胡乱地叫嚣，众人皆笑何某骗酒喝，一杯一杯地灌，几杯下肚，我竟不想回家。场上人流越来越多，看着那些没有灵魂的脸，猜拳，喝酒，男人一脸醉意，女人浓厚的脂粉，一些DANCER开始热舞，据传一个像范冰冰，一个像何洁，ACACIA以男人一样的眼光一一扫过，放肆地评论众女身材。鱼同学了解我，我也无需假装，高校女教师的架子大可卸下，往日疯狂重又回来，舞台旋转，灯影流动。上了几趟洗手间，一些女人开始急切地拍门，后来不等门开，便蹲着呕吐，厚厚的脂粉盖不住一脸的醉意。ACACIA只想现代人灵魂虚空，但想不到有人竟虚空如此，再想想自己，不禁自怜。今天早上遇见WENDY，我对她说：我的生活重归平静。可是晚上，在鱼同学的带动下，我竟放肆疯狂，心中不禁害怕，莫非平静的外表下，疯狂的血液仍在流动？从酒吧出来，电梯内一个男人扶着一个醉得站不稳身子的女人，男人一松劲，女人跌坐在地上……
深夜一点，朋友不胜酒力，转战大排档，叫了一锅沙锅粥，下一只肉蟹，热粥下肚，街上一些烂醉的人，空洞的眼神，游离……有一个司机不小心撞伤了一只猫，不一会儿围上一群人，热闹，心里却虚空得静寂。
叫了一辆出租车，鱼同学说当年在007见识了我的狠，今晚不再奉陪，回家吐去。PA YAN和ACACIA在车中有一句没一句地搭话，ACACIA家近，先行下车，一脚踩空一脚踏实地飞奔回家，打开电脑，查邮件，才发现STEPH的留言，我记得我们的约定，但我却没有按时赴约，他睡去了，我心中涌起内疚。于是，ACACIA乱乱地回信，道歉，心中难受。我昨晚才告诉他，我已不是昨天的我；前一段时间才告诉他，酒精生活麻痹心智。
手机亮了，鱼同学说吐了，睡去，ACACIA睡意全无，心中不断闪烁的光影，按下了“发送”键，希望STEPH收到我真心的忏悔。毕竟明天一醒来，我仍是那个坐在电脑前，沉默地看《欲望都市》的高校女教师。有那么一夜，我丢开了自我……有那么一夜，我看到了真我。
STEPH应能看到我的邮件，一个字里行间透露着“愿意正常”意向的女人。今晚，我一夜无眠。
23/01/2007 我的聊友 前天晚上跟同事聊天，她说：我没有严格意义的网友，不像现代人吧？我嘿地一笑，想起了我的聊友。
S：遇见S那天，我正不爽，思绪混乱，敲着键盘的手在发抖。聊些什么呢？Acacia说：你只管说话。于是S滔滔不绝地聊起了他的工作，我有一句没一句地搭话，努力装得更感兴趣一些，可是我的确啥也不懂。终于吐出一句：你的工作危险吗？要小心哦。想不到就这样的一句话，感动了S，仿佛我的心无限大，全世界的人都被我关心了一遍。一场意外，S痛失所爱。C临走前对他说：你再找一个吧。男人在多年后，说：我未来的妻子只能接受我永远爱C的事实。生死契阔，与子相悦。我不禁心痛，为那个魂归天国的女人，为未来那个永远与死亡相搏的女人。死亡是霸道的，骤然离去换来是一生的深情，后来者纵使千般无奈，只能隐忍接受，C因为离去了，她永远完美。酒精麻醉不了的愤恨，一个男人深夜的呐喊，我只能说：十月，我会在。我知道S心头的伤，因而无需在他面前饰掩自己，哭笑由性，由心。S是个异类，不爱听歌，不爱花钱，不抽烟不喝酒，从不说脏话，做事情特别有交待，一阵子不见，回来总会说对不起，或者写信告知近况。他太一本正经，我迷温帅，他会理智地说：《越狱》是鼓励目无法纪！典型的巨蟹男，败坏射手座的兴致。某晚，他告诉我，我迷恋的温帅居然跟Tiger Woods出现在圣地亚哥的机场，我立即翻身下床：你能帮我跟踪我的男人吗？他当场晕倒~~~有时候，我会想起他的C，默默为他祈祷，如果上帝有一颗悯人之心，他应该得到双倍的幸福。
D：我认识D好久了，刚开始他比较木讷，可以跟你说过去，可是他从不跟你说现在。他的背后，有一个不太动人的故事，相恋八年的女友，最终捉奸在床。处女座，我经常问他：你说男人真能对一个女人一生一世吗？他总回答说：看看我，我跟她八年了，如果没有那破事，会是一生一世。一天，我们在比拼我们做过的坏事，他的恶事是：他一怒之下把那个男人打得瘫倒在地。其实当时很想告诉他，人贱自有天欺。我们的联系，是时断时续型的，因为我们的境遇而改变。后来经历多了，再重遇，聊起过往，两人才唏嘘，想不到那么多年过去了。一次他非常不爽，大有与天下为敌的架势，把我惹毛了，我说了一大堆很重的话，想不到这个人变得真快，下次真心道歉起来了。事后我真想提醒他，不要这样，女人会欺负你的。不过想起来，他这样的性格，大概只有女人才可以欺负他。哈！
J：和J，因为经历的相似，我们一见如故。他跟我说在韩国的异国生活，我都可以产生共鸣：I can so relate to that! 我们邂逅后的13个小时，有6小时在聊天。他第二天要出行，游SEOUL，HAN RIVER & Busan。结果那晚跟我聊得正欢，用了两个小时、一共说了四次再见，只能自嘲：明天我还能出门吗？好不容易睡觉去了，第二天打开谷歌，就闪起来，J留言：嗨！我下载了新版的谷歌，这里也可以打电话了！我顿时晕倒。他一路游，一路把出行的经历、照片发给朋友，我算了算，这两天一共收到他四封邮件。他说，他的下一站是俄罗斯，看样子他想走遍全世界。我问他：有一天你会安顿下来吗？他有点犹豫，说会的。我哈哈地笑了，说他强调得仿佛在说服自己。他也哈哈地笑了。大概我看爱情小说太多了，我在想，如果有一天他停下脚步，会是因为一个女人。
N：N三十好几了，总是有种小男生的腼腆。他打招呼总是特别小心翼翼，先问道：你好吗？你有空吗？我经常挂网，挂了就不理人，可是看到N跟我说话，我都会有问必答。总觉得N可能不是很好的倾诉对象，直到有一天他很耐心地听我诉苦，开导我，我才发现他有一种独特的磁场，可以让狂躁的人平静下来。N很喜欢把东西拿出来跟人分享，我记得一天收到他的笑话邮件数的最高记录是13封。我一上网，N还是小心翼翼，Acacia，你是不是生气了？我是不是发多了？有没有冒犯你了？有一天Ｎ对我说，我应该找个女人了，我祝福Ｎ，他是好人，应该有个爱他的女人。
15/01/2007 Dear Tech SupportDear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0 and CRICKET 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do? Signed, Desperate Reply: Dear Desperate: First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck, Tech Support
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